Side Effects may include Death

free

2009-03-10T15:10:00.000-07:00

BAM.
It hit him. Sitting on the toilet. Looking at palm tree whiskers through a tiny, screen infested window. That's when it finally all came down, off the wall, and on his head. Still sitting there, on the toilet bowl like a king, pants around his ankles, ellbows propped up on knees, head propped up on fists. Pounding, somewhere to the back, where her perfume bottle hit his scar. His left ear whining loud in rejection. His head the cushion to the blow of a shelf full of toiletries, lovingly gathered and assorted through years of income spent in the beauty section of the supermarket. All of her prettiness, her utterly adorable cuteness, the smell of her lipsticks and her powders and her wild assortment of deodorant spray bottles, everything that had pleased him so much, just come crashing down. Right on top of him. While he was sitting on the god damn TOILET for Christ's sakes. Clouds of alcohol and sweet smells begin evaporating. What, really, can you do?
He chooses to do exactly what he had always needed to do. He continues to sit, in this beautifully created garbage pit, and stops, for the first time, bemoaning his existence, and instead does, what any healthy person would've done years ago: He bemoanes her existence.

Regulations, limitations

2009-03-10T15:01:00.001-07:00

"ONE hundred."
"One HUNDRED thousand."
"Just cry a lot. And it'll all flush out."
"Two HUNDRED thousand."
"Expendables. You know? Shit you can do without."
"Three HUNDRED thousand."
"They're in the thousands now."
"Yeah."
"Four HUNDRED thousand."
"Let's leave."
They get up, walk through rows of people, one wearing a hoodie pulled deep into her face, the other toting a skateboard.
"Five HUNDRED thousand."
"That emphasis on 'hundred' was starting to piss me off."
Light is flooding the plaza, they walk out of the musty building right into it, squinting and jumping around a bit, to get some movement going.
"Seventybillion HUNDRED thousand!"
"Eightyquadrillion HUNDRED thousand!!"
"HUNDRED!" She yells it at a pidgeon, and it flys off.
"See? Not just me."
They chuckle and continue past groups of teenagers and old ladies playing dominoes on little, bird poop covered benches.
"If we go down there, we can get some momentum going." They put the box on the skateboard and shove it down the hill. Half way down, it crashes into a parked car, setting off its alarm, idly rolling down to the next car and softly bumping into it, coming to a stop. The alarm howling in their ears they run down, grab box and skateboard and keep running, laughing and running, not looking back to see the street behind them completely empty. At the foot of the hill it is shady, and the air has cooled down quite a bit.
"Where to?"
"I don't know." Reproachful.
"Don't look at me like that, i don't know either."
They idly walk next to each other along the River. She lights a cigarette and watches sea gulls fly overhead, glaring down at them from up there.
"So. I dropped out of college."
"Hm."
"My parents aren't too happy. But I can always go back next summer."
"You think you will?"
"Doubtful." Smoke, air. "Maybe I'll try taking classes I like. To begin with."
"Yea."
"Fuck all the credits for transfer. I'll just learn what I want to learn. Without boundaries. Without limitations. Without regulations. That's what school is for, after all. To learn. Not to follow a sheet of paper that tells you which classes to take so you can have this and this degree."
"Fuck degrees."
"Yeah, fuck degrees."
"Fuck credits."
"Fuck em. Who needs em?"
"Fuck the metric system."
"I love the metric system."
Grinning.
"You know, you are quite strange, ma dear."
"I'm beginning to realize it."

hate

2009-03-08T10:59:00.000-07:00

the world is a mosquito
spy on the truth and you'll see
that you're just about ready to break

maybe they've already broken you
lost the piece that wanted change
just fear left in your veins

and i am more than ready to take
extract a little real from your fake
break off a piece of your fate
we know that i am way too late.

I don't need to write my own stuff if you keep having conversations like

2008-06-02T04:35:00.000-07:00

this:

What are you trading him for?
Your mum.
Shut up, I'll kill you.
I'll stab you in the ovarie.
You could've made that run and gotten away from that dude tackling you.
You're lying.
You could've done it hadn't you stopped moving.
Why are you lying to me asshole?
I'm telling the truth you bitch.

finish line

2008-05-22T04:31:00.000-07:00

i wouldn't die for anyone
but i'd kill for a lot of people that run next to me to the big finish line

as we give a big smile to the people we pass by

i fell out of the nest too early and the smell of life on me
made everyone back away
the stench is still on me today

how did i land in this bubble with its permanent sunny days?
somewhere i stumbled and hit the floorand got pulled out of the race.

watching from the side
all the people pass me by

i can light my cigarette with a flick of my fingertip

2008-05-21T04:20:00.000-07:00

go ahead and take a look, there is a lot of wisdom on that wall
but if you put it all together, it doesn't make sense at all

The Golden Watch

2008-05-11T10:42:00.000-07:00

The golden watch is ticking again
I found it in a lit parking lot
On a patch of dead grass
Under a dust cloud of radiation
By a tree
I never thought
I would find it here.

Mass of Killer-Balloons

2008-05-08T15:41:00.000-07:00

".. so we wanted to release 1000 red balloons but they wouldn't let us. They said that all the wildlife would be negatively affected by the balloons coming down in who-knows-where, just lying around all over the mountains and the forest, interfering with the birds and their airways, over the heads of chipmunks suffocating them .. yeah, they painted this picture that all nature and wildlife west of where we let the balloons go would be destroyed and just die in a .. mass of balloons .. and strings.. just a nightmarish vision. So we ended up not using the balloons."

Breathing

2008-05-06T16:14:00.000-07:00

The lady with the black eyes, the black hair, and the black skin, she could have been a hundred or only thirty years old.
"Do you hear that humming? That vibrating? That rhythm? That's the UFOs. It's how they communicate, how they survive." She leans in close and smiles. "Guess what our humming is?"
I smell the cloth and leather and the clay she uses to make the pearls of her headbands.
"It's our breathing" she whispers. Then she says it loudly, causing a passing couple to turn their head in wonder: "Our breathing!" She giggles. "Without breathing there is no energy! There is no live!" Now she laughs as if this is the most amusing thing she has ever told anyone.
"Hey, what do you think I should make for the men?" she says all of a sudden. She grabs a hideously pink and black headband and holds it in front of my face. It looks like she cut it out of an old prostitute's tablecloth. "I know what to make for the girls but what should I make for the men?"
I admit that I have no idea and try to avoid getting hit by the pink headband as she gestures with it, her eyes wandering around, looking for potential customers that she would have to leave me for.
"They don't wear headbands, do they?" she finally asks, a thoughtful expression on her lineless face.
I say no, they probably don't.
"Oh well!" She throws the headband back onto a pile of more colorful creations with an extravagant flailing of her arm. "Come visit me again sometime!" She grabs my shoulder and squeezes it hard. "Come and visit me! And don't forget, breathing, that should be very high up on your list!"Breathing
The lady with the black eyes, the black hair, and the black skin, she could have been a hundred or only thirty years old.
"Do you hear that humming? That vibrating? That rhythm?" With every sentence she leans in a little closer, her smile growing a little bigger. That's the UFOs. It's how they communicate, how they survive." She suddenly turns around, watches the people passing by her little stand attentively for a second or two, then she's back. She looks right at me. "Guess what our humming is?"
I smell the cloth and leather and the clay she uses to make the pearls on her headbands.
"It's our breathing" she whispers. Then she says it loudly, causing a passing couple to turn their head in wonder: "Our breathing!" She giggles. "Without breathing there is no energy! There is no life!" Now she laughs as if this is the most amusing thing she has ever told anyone.
"Hey, what do you think I should make for the men?" she says all of a sudden. She grabs a hideously pink and black headband and holds it in front of my face. It looks like she cut it out of an old prostitute's curtain. "I know what to make for the girls but what should I make for the men?"
I admit to her that I have no idea and try to avoid getting hit by the pink headband as she gestures with it, her eyes wandering around, looking for potential customers that she would have to leave me for.
"They don't wear headbands, do they?" she finally asks, a thoughtful expression on her lineless face.
I say no, they probably don't.
"Oh well!" She throws the headband back onto a pile of more colorful creations with an extravagant flailing of her arm. "Come visit me again sometime!" She grabs my shoulder and squeezes it hard. "Come and visit me! And don't forget, breathing, that should be very high up on your list!"

Homeless Guy's Balls

2008-05-04T22:03:00.000-07:00

"Soo
my friends and me walk down to the beach. We are skateboarding on the cement walkway next to the sand, called The Strand, and what do we see? Kenny, the legendary beach bum a la HB. What is Kenny doing? Sleeping in the sand. Ahh. Who doesn't enjoy a nice nap in the sun? We don't know, though, if the passer-bys enjoyed Kenny's nap as much as he did. Cause Kenny had some essentials showing.
Here's the song we came up with after that:"

Homeless guy's balls
chillin on The Strand
sweatin in the sun
collecting up the sand
Ay.

Jesus, My Homeboy

2008-05-04T12:33:00.000-07:00

„The million dollar question: Will you go to Heaven? Here's a quick test."
Oh, neat! It's quick, so I don't have to waste any time on deeper thought!
"Have you ever told a lie, stolen anything, or used God's name in vain?"
Uhh.. wait, let me think.
"Jesus said, "Whoever looks upon a woman to lust after her has committed adultery already with her in his heart."
Really? Aww, goddammit.
"Have you looked with lust? Will you be guilty on Judgment Day?"
Judgement Day? Oh no! I don't know what this is, but it sounds horrible!
"If you have done those things God sees you as a lying, thieving, blasphemous, adulterer at heart."
Wow, God has a bad opinion of me..
"The Bible warns that if you are guilty you will end up in Hell. That's not God's will."
Wait, there's something in the Bible that is not God's will? But how..?
"He sent His Son to suffer and die on the cross for you. Jesus took your punishment upon Himself -"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life."
All for me? Aww, you shouldn't have. Well, thanks, though. Now at least I won't get punished anymore, right?
"Then He rose from the dead and defeated death."
All in one sitting? Man, the guy is a real Anti-death Fighting-machine. I salute you, Jesus.
"Please, repent (turn from sin) today and trust in Jesus, and God will grant you everlasting life."
Everlasting life, that sounds cool. I'll go with that. Hey, Jesus. I trust you.
"Then read your Bible daily and obey it.“
Every day? But I have to go to work and make lots of money. And then I have to go to the fitness studio and look great! Isn't there an easier way out?

Shit is going bad

2008-05-03T23:47:00.000-07:00

"when you are crying in your bed in the middle of the night
and there is no one you could call who
would pick up their phone
listen to your rambling
comfort you and
let you fall asleep with dry cheeks
that's when you know
that shit is going bad."

chinatown

2008-05-03T22:55:00.000-07:00

Ending Another Day

2008-05-03T21:20:00.000-07:00

Ahh

it does feel nice

looking at the worlds above
hearing the waves rumble from further away
sending out a thought to generate some love
ending another hard working day

stretching, getting comfortable on my floor
not smelling like fish anymore.

(Anyone who can unravel this one wins a smile.)

I is your GOD

2008-05-02T22:15:00.000-07:00

This religious system is constricting all our political freedom
our own soul is all we got
so they create a fraud
that tells us how we will lose it
all this controlling and fighting has to stop
how many people believe in you? I'd say a lot
Hey all of you
why don't you try taking me as your god?
I'm a prophet from far far away
I look great in a robe and I'm born again every day
I'm sure I could heal any motherfucker with schizophrenia
and I have a lot of experience in the field of unnecessary preaching mania.
Damn right
do not question I
because I is a god and I would never lie
from my religion no one could ever get away
I should be the god that you pray to every day.

(I know this is fucking random, but I thought it was funny when I came up with it in the shower)

Gun Shot

2008-05-01T21:52:00.000-07:00

Dreams dreaming dreams dreaming streets and figures on skateboards exploding in a collapsing building in a street becoming reality becoming present as past dreams form as synchronicities and the future collapsing over the present

there was a gun shot
then there was nothing.

hello new baby

2008-04-30T22:08:00.000-07:00

hello new baby
how do you do
meet the new mommy
i just picked out for you
you can grow up
in a big house with a family
and when you're 18 years old
you'll come and look for me

what? what did you say?
i told them they didn't have to pay!
come on don't give me that look
i needed the money
i couldn't support you
i was a crack whore
what do you want me to say?
i just couldn't do it any other way
my god didn't want me to have an abortion
my pope didn't want me to use a condom
my man said he'd pull out before
you were an accident
you just couldn't stay
i didn't think back then
you'd stand here one day

Squished

2008-04-29T10:12:00.000-07:00

Ode to my dear little flower
That once gave me love and power
Until that dreadful step that I took
Now it's squished underneath my foot.

*splatter*

Calvin in the Closet

2008-04-28T12:18:00.000-07:00

Ms.P: Ok, Calvin. You’re being too loud. Go sit in the closet.
Calvin: Ms.P! You can’t make me sit in the closet! I’m eighteen!
Ms.P: I can do whatever I want in this classroom. Now, go in the closet, please.
(Calvin disappears, not without complaining some more, into the closet and closes both doors)
Ms.P: Ok, now, can someone tell me what this poem means?
(silence)
Ms.P: No one?
Calvin’s Voice (muffled through the closet doors): Ms.P! I’m raising my hand!
Ms.P: Jesus..
Calvin’s Voice: I know the answer!
Ms.P: Calvin, the point of putting you in the closet was that you would shut up.
Calvin’s Voice (sad): Oh. I see.

Giant Spider

2008-04-27T16:21:00.000-07:00

(Conversation on the phone..)
R.: „...well, it’s really late, so I guess I’ll see you tomorrow after work or some- woah! Shit! There’s a huge spider right there!“
Me: „Don’t kill it. Put it outside.“
R.: „Hold on! I’ll call you back! It’s about to crawl on me!!“
(Conversation ended due to attack of giant spider.)

One Word Answers

2008-04-27T16:08:00.001-07:00

My English teacher has no life. He spends his days sitting next to his five turtles which he keeps in a glass terrarium that he never opens (he feels that it would be rude to disturb them), and thus has failed to notice that all of them died over two years ago. With a perfectly sharpened No. 2 pencil he drafts the questions that he will ask his students the next day, forcing them to write a whole page as an answer, even though a one word or one sentence answer would definitely be enough.
Let me demonstrate:

Question: How would this world be if all human beings were exactly alike?
1 Word Answer: Boring.

Question: Imagine you were a frog. What would it be like?
1 Word Answer: Boring.

Question: Think about a time in your life when you felt there was no way out. Why?
1 Sentence Answer: English class, doors are closed.

Eva

2008-04-27T15:28:00.000-07:00

Goodbye Eva
Goodbye
Never to be seen again
As she walks above the horizon

And opens a door in the cloud
And a nymph comes out
And says
Hello Eva
Welcome Home

Cedric Is Invisible

2008-04-02T15:27:00.000-07:00

"I have ears like a bat. I can hear grass grow from miles away."
"That's bullshit."
"It's not, I swear! Watch!"
June cups one hand around her ear and makes a concentrated face.
"June, what the hell are you doing?"
"I can hear .. a butterfly.."
Cathrin rolls her eyes. "Rrright.."
"It's... flying.."
"Now, there's a surprise. A flying butterfly. Who would've thought of that?"
"No, really. It's in Japan." June stops listening to the Japanese butterfly and looks proudly around the kitchen. Cedric sits on his chair in awe.
"No way!" he says. "No way! You heard that?"
"Yup."
"June, stop it." Cathrin throws a pen at June. "Do you remember the last time you did something like this? It took me almost half a year to get Cedric to stop believing that my hair was made up of little earthworms that wanted to eat him."
"Yeah, I remember." June smiles warmly. "That was fun."
"And that one time you convinced him he was invisible?"
June starts laughing uncontrollably. Cathrin glares at her.
"That was not cool," she says.
"Oh! Oh, yes! That was very cool!" June squeals, laughing.
"I don't remember that," says Cedric from out of his corner. "I have no memory of that whatsoever."
"Cathrin, did you hear that?" At once, June stops laughing. "That sound?"
"What sound?" says Cathrin.
"What sound?" says Cedric.
"There! There it was again!" June squints in Cedric's direction, but her eyes seem to look right through him. "I think I heard someone talking, but there's no one over there!"
"No way!" Cedric beams at his roommates. "I'm invisible again!"
"June! You-"
"Hush, Cathrin! I think I just heard it again!"

School is currently ruling my life, so I might as well..

2008-03-27T20:14:00.000-07:00

(Towards the end of English class..)
Nina: Alexis, are you walking home today?
Alexis: Yeah.
Nina: Ok.
(a few minutes go by)
Nina: Alexis, are you walking today?
Alexis: Yeah.
Nina: Ok.
(another few minutes go by)
Nina: Alexis, are you walking today?
Alexis: Nina! You already asked me three times!!
Nina: Well, are you?
Alexis: Yes!!
(another minute, then:)
(clapping sounds come in through the open door)
Clay: Is that a horse?
Nina: No, it’s the band’s beat so they can find rhythm.
Clay: Oh ..
Alexis: That’s not the band! That’s my horse! Actually, no Nina, I’m not walking today. I’m riding my horse.
Nina: Oh, okay. Can I get a ride on your horse, then?
Alexis: Sure.
Mr. D: Ok, class, extra-credit for anyone who brings a rhinoceros-head to class tomorrow!
Nina: Hey, Alexis, do you wanna go rhinoceros-hunting and –killing?
Alexis: Sure. We can take my horse.
Nina: Ok. We’ll shoot the rhinoceros.
Alexis: We’ll ride my horse and when we get close I’ll throw you on top of the rhinoceros..
Nina: .. and I’ll wrestle it to the ground! And then we’ll shoot it!
Alexis: Ok.
Jacob: Wouldn’t it be easier to just shoot it?
Nina: Yeah, but no fun.

(Oral Chemistry Test at the end of the year..)
Mr. S: Is the temperature high or low?
Taylor (yawning): Medium.
Mr. S: Is the pressure high or low?
Taylor: Medium.
Mr. S (annoyed): Are the bonds strong or weak?
Taylor: Medium.
Mr. S (thinks for a moment): How is your performance in this test?
Taylor: Awesome.

(History..)
Mr.F: Kelsey, this is time for History and not for Sci-Fi drawings!
Kelsey: Ok...
Mr. F: You know, I am a fan of that myself. Everyday after school I go home and sit down with my Sci-Fi drawing book ...
(class laughs)
Mr. F: ... and what’s that thing called again, that Japanese drawing thing?
Kelsey: Anime.
Mr. F: Anime?
Kelsey: Yeah.
Mr. F: Yeah, I dig that too.

(To make a play a little more interesting to read, Mr. D. lets the students act it out. For this purpose he brings paper masks with Rhinoceros faces drawn on them and hands them out to Motown, Chuck, and Will)
Motown (puts on the mask): Oh, I can’t see!
(He takes a pen and tries to poke eye holes into the mask while wearing it)
Andrew: That doesn’t look good.
Nina: Motown, take the mask off first.
Chuck: Oh noo!! I broke my rhinoceros!
Motown (still poking around with the pen): Haa-haa!
Andrew: How can you break a rhinoceros?
Motown: Oh no! I broke my rhinoceros .. face .. mask .. too..!
Mr. D.: I shouldn’t have brought them to class. I should’ve known. Why did I bring them? I should know you guys by now.
Nina: It’s ok, Mr. D. Will still has his.
(Loud sound of a paper mask ripping)
Will: Wooops..

Ditching Class

2008-03-25T22:32:00.000-07:00

Calvin: Can I go to the bathroom?
Ms. P: No.
Calvin: Why not?
Ms. P: Class is almost over.
Will: Yeah, Calvin! You can’t go!
Calvin: What? Shut up!
Will: I didn’t see you consuming any liquids! You just want to ditch!
Calvin: What?!! Ok. Fine. I’ll just pee in the corner.
Bobby: Can your bladder burst?
Will: Yeah, you can die from bladder explosion.
Calvin: Yeah, Miss P., what would you do if my bladder exploded?!
Ms.P: I don’t care.
Calvin: Ms P.!!
Will: Aw, Calvin, don’t be sad. I’ll be there for you and your exploded bladder.
Calvin: Shut up.

Easter

2008-03-22T11:58:00.000-07:00

“Good morning." Cathrin yawns and stretches, missing Cedric's face with her hand by only an inch. "Happy Christian-Holiday-Day."
"Yeah, happy Groundhog Day to you, too." June pours some coffee and slurps it down within a split second.
"I was actually talking about Easter."
"Something either comes out of a hole in the ground or goes back into it, it’s all the same to me."
Cedric chuckles.
"And if Jesus sees his shadow we get seven more years of religion.”

Shpenis

2008-03-21T20:11:00.000-07:00

Cathrin is calmly driving along, one eye on the street and one eye on Cedric who just almost successfully crammed himself into the trunk.
"Hey, Ced, how's it going back there?"
"It's good."
"Your voice sounds muffled, are you sure you're ok?"
"I'm great," Cedric insists without sounding the least bit convincing. "The trunk door slammed down on me when I got in. But it's all good now."
"Oh no!" Cathrin swerves around a pole, causing the other passengers in the car to scream in fear. "Cedric, what did the trunk slam down on?"
"My sh..foot."
"Your shfoot?"
"Yeah, I was going to say something else."
"Penis?" Cathrin giggles.
"Jesus fucking Christ, Cath, will you keep an eye on the street or am I going to have to take over and save our lives again?" June shouts and hits Cathrin in the head. "Don't make me remind you of that one time we almost fell off a cliff because you forgot the parking brake!"
"Ced," Cathrin continues, ignoring June. "Did the trunk slam down on your penis? Is that what you meant to say?"
"Since when does penis start with sh?"
"It does. Shpenis."
"Cathrin, I swear, I will rip the steering wheel out of your hand if I have to! I will!"